Thursday, July 26, 2007

Tell Dilbert your funniest Joke

If you have an hour to spare, read today’s The Dilbert Blog, where he invites readers to submit their favorite jokes. Let’s start with my personal favorite Redneck joke:


A man walk into the General Store and sees Ole Blue the Bloodhound, bet over his’self licking his privates.

The man remarks to the clerk with a wink “I shore wish I could to that”!

The clerk replies, “Wall, be careful. . .. He Bites”


Little Billy walks into Mrs. Marshall's 5th grade classroom on a Monday morning.

Mrs. Marshall: How was your weekend Billy?

Billy: Horrible. A car hit my dog in the ass!

Mrs. Marshall: I think you mean to say rectum.

Billy: Rectum?!? It damn near killed him!


Q: What’s the difference between a Canadian and a Canoe?

A: A Canoe tips


Q: Why is American beer like making love in a canoe?

A: Because it's f**king close to water.


Q: What do john the Baptist and Winnie the pooh have in common?

A: They both have the same middle names.


Q: Why do you always take two Mormons camping with you?

A: If you take only one, he'll drink all your beer.

Two ladies were sitting next to each other on a plane. One was a Yankee and the other, a Southern Belle. The Southern Belle turned to the Yankee and asks, "So where y'all from?"

The Yankee turned her steely gaze to the Southern Belle and replied, "I am from a place where we do NOT end our sentences with a preposition."

Silence ensued and the flight continued until a few minutes later when the Southern Belle again turned to the Yankee and asked, "So, where are y'all from, bitch?"

Two hunters are walking through the forest, when one of them collapses. His friend pulls out a cellphone and frantically dials 911. When the operator answers, he yells into the phone, "Help! My friend just died!"

The operator replies calmly, "Okay, first we need to make sure he's really dead."

The hunter replies, "Okay, hold on." A shot rings out. "Okay, what now?"


Popular joke during the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina:

Q. What's George W. Bush's position on Roe v. Wade?

A. He doesn't care how those people get out of New Orleans.


A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm. His friend Doug stops him and asks, "Hey Bob! Whacha get the case of beer for?"

"I got it for my wife, eh." answers Bob.

"Oh!" exclaims Doug, "Good trade mate."


Jesus and Moses are golfing one day, when they reach the par 5 water hole. Jesus reaches into his bag, grabs a 3 iron, and lines up. Moses says, "You'll never make it across the water with a 3 Iron". Jesus says, "If Arnold Palmer can do it, so can I." and proceeds to smack it right into the water. Moses says, "Don't worry, I'll get it for you." He parts the water and walks over to get the ball. Jesus thanks him, sets the ball down, and grabs the 3 iron. Moses says, "It didn't work last time, you're going to hit the ball into the water again." Sure enough, this lands right into the middle of the lake.

Frustrated Jesus says, "I'll get it this time." and walks out on the water to search for his ball. Just then, another foursome walks up, looks out at the water, then at Moses. One of them says, "Who does that guy think he is, Jesus??" "No," says Moses, "He thinks he's Arnold Palmer."


Your Thesis:

It's a fine sunny day in the forest, and a rabbit is sitting outside his burrow, tippy-tapping on his typewriter.

Along comes a fox, out for a walk.

"What are you working on?"

"My thesis."

"Hmmm. What's it about?"

"Oh, I'm writing about how rabbits eat foxes."

(incredulous pause)

"That's ridiculous! Any fool knows that rabbits don't eat foxes."

"Sure they do, and I can prove it. Come with me."

They both disappear into the rabbit's burrow. After a few minutes, the rabbit returns, alone, to his typewriter and resumes typing.

Soon, a wolf comes along and stops to watch the hardworking rabbit.

"What's that you're writing?"

"I'm doing a thesis on how rabbits eat wolves."

(loud guffaws)

"You don't expect to get such rubbish published, do you?"

"No problem. Do you want to see why?"

The rabbit and the wolf go into the burrow, and again the rabbit returns by himself, after a few minutes, and goes back to typing.

Scene: inside the rabbit's burrow.

In one corner, there is a pile of fox bones. In another corner, a pile of wolf bones. On the other side of the room, a huge lion is belching and picking his teeth.

(The End)

It doesn't matter what you choose for a thesis subject.

It doesn't matter what you use for data.

What does matter is who you have for a thesis advisor.

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel stuffed down the front of his pants.

Now the bartender having seen just about everything before, had to ask,
"Excuse me mister pirate sir, why do you have that steering wheel stuffed down the front of your pants?"

To which the pirate replied,

"ARRRRGGGHH! It's driving me nuts!!"


A bear taking a dump asked a rabbit
"Does poo stick to your fur as a habit?"
"Of course not," said the hare,
"It's really quite rare!"
So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.