Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Yummy Ant Snack Food

I've eaten all sorts of weird junk fod, from tiny dried fish to squid jerky, but I draw the line at eating bugs For the ultimate healthy snack, try toasted ants . . .

Me, I would have to be toasted to try them . . .

Monday, December 29, 2008

Poop traps for dogs!

Do you hate picking up steamy festering dog turds when walking Fido?

Well, it’s the Poop Trap to the rescue!

Yes, with the poop trap, Rover craps directly into a sanitary bag.

Have your pet crap into a bag, delightful

Properly fitted over Rover, the poop trap should also stop projectile diarrhea.

Really, what could possibly go wrong with this new invention?

When I travel with our blind people and their guide horses, we don’t use diapers and we make sure that the ponies are completely housebroken before letting them sleep in beds:

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Choosing dog boots

Choosing the right dog boots is critical to keeping your dog safe from foot abrasions and warm.

Many pet owners misunderstand the concept of dog boots:

They make dog boots for gay pet owners too:

It’s also important to choose the right size of dog boots for the dogs comfort and safety:

Besides the utilitarian functions of dog boots, it’s also important to choose dog boots that don’t obviously look like clothing. You don’t want you dog to look like a person:

When it comes to choosing the right dog boots, you can be sure that your choice of style will make a statement about you to everyone who sees your dog wearing them. Guess what this says about the owner?

Our blind folks are very creative with their guide horse shoes, creating custom horse shoes for their seeing eye ponies, check it out:Creative horse shoesThis is Cheryl with her guide horse Confetti. Confetti is wearing custom dress shoes to match her gown, very elegant.

Of course, the blind folks cannot see the shoes, and I don’t complain, even when they might look a tad “silly”. Personally, I think that cowboy boots for ponies is over-the-top, especially the spurs:

Friday, December 26, 2008

No more good Samaritans in California

This article serves to warn people not to stop and try to assist someone in California, you could get sued!

“A Good Samaritan whose well-meaning but careless rescue effort injures an accident victim can be sued for damages, the state Supreme Court ruled Thursday.”

Good Samaritan laws protect people from liability, so they can attempt to save people in life-threatening situations, a very good idea. I wonder how many people will die needlessly in California because nobody would stop to save an injured motorist?

It’s that “I don’t want to get involved” attitude that kills people, acts of the Bad Samaritans:

Here is a list of States with Good Samaritan laws.

But Good Samaritan laws only protect “innocent” bystanders; it does not stop a litigious asswipe from accusing you of causing the accident!

A few years back I served on a jury whereby a Good Samaritan stopped to help someone, and that person later accused HIM of causing their accident!

Years ago when Janet was trapped in her car after a bad accident, she was saved by people who helped her escape from the burning wreckage. That’s one good thing about country folks; they will help you, no matter what the law says . . .

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Merry Christmas from the Ranch!

Here's wishing you and yours a joyous Christmas from the Burleson ranch!

Thanks Andy for making this great video!

Have a Pagan Christmas!

It’s funny how many of our celebrations are based on ancient pagan holidays.

It was interesting to learn that long before the birth of Christ, the ancients celebrated December 25th as a holy day.

In 4000 BC the ancient Egyptians celebrated the birth of Horus, on December 25th, a deity who was also born to a virgin mother, visited by 3 wise guys, and who was crucified, only to be resurrected three days later.

The original St. Nicholas (circa 270 AD) was a Catholic priest with a foot fetish. It is said that he stalked around at night and depositing coins in people’s shoes.

Check out these bizarre Christmas traditions across the world! Other countries have bizarre traditions for Santa:

- In the Netherlands he is called Sinterklaas and he places his nuts in children’s shoes while they sleep.

- In Greenland, kids get Mattak on Christmas morning, a whale skin with a strip of blubber inside.

Even the Christian communion ritual has pagan roots. Ancient Celtics performed Holy Communion by eating the flesh and drinking the blood of a scared horse.

In Wales at Christmas, someone dresses up as Mari Lwyd (the lucky gray mare of Christmas), hiding under a horsehair sheet while carrying a horse's skull on a pike.

In some foreign countries, Santa Claus brings something for the bad girls and boys, and it ain’t a lump of coal:

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Swamp boogers vs. woolly boogers

Many people mistake the common swamp booger with wooly boogers and it’s important to understand the differences.

This page discusses the different species of boogers and sadly notes that swamp boogers have become so rare that some people have never seen one in the wild:

“Don't you know that swamp boogers are actually natives of Virginia? Before the pilgrims, Virginia was covered with swamps and therefore a perfect habitat for them swamp boogers. When the pilgrims arrived they hunted the swamp boogers for food.

Swamp boogers are fairly slow and very curious animals. That was there demise. On top of the hunting them for food, the pilgrims and their descendants filled in the swamps and destroyed the swamp boogers natural habitat.

Today swamp boogers have become so rare that some people actually regard them as a myth.

But in 2001 a group of scientist have stumbled onto a small colony of them in the middle of the Florida everglades. They are now protected by federal law.”

I’ve commonly asked how a wooly booger is different from swamp boogers. I’m no biologist, but once you see a wild booger the differences become clear. Native to the swamps of northern North Carolina and Virginia, the swamp booger tends to be larger than the “wooly” booger. Also, many sighting of woolly boogers are really just common western forest boogers.

Save the boogers

Part of the problem with the boogers is that their natural habitat is rapidly disappearing. Booger Mountain, once a sanctuary for woolly boogers, has become a major Christmas tree supplier:

The woolly boogers are almost gone, and the failure of the government to preserve the boogers natural habitat has provoked outrage among booger conservationists:

The boogers natural habitat is disappearing, and ours may be the last generation to see these magnificent creatures in the wild.

Monday, December 22, 2008

Disabled Porn

I had a good chuckle over this Reddit joke today on Disabled Porn:

A pious man is checking-in at a hotel and asks:

“I assume that the porn channel is my room is disabled”

The clerk replied

“No sir”. It’s regular porn, you sick weirdo”

People love to make fun of the disabled, like the old Helen Keller jokes, and one-liners we told in grade school, one-liners like:

Where do you find a dog with no legs? - Right where you left it.

Seeing eye dogs

BTW, I volunteer with lots of disabled people, and it’s true, they do have soft core porn for the disabled. They have Playboy Magazine in Braille (sans photos), so there are indeed people who read playboy for the articles.

Porn for the disabled?

But is fair to label disabled pornography as "deviant"?

It’s not politically correct to express disgust at any bizarre sexual behavior, no matter how deviant!

When I took the class “deviant behavior” in college, something was deviant if it was not normal.

I guess that’s changed, and you are a homophobe if you find this funny:

In these days, “adult entertainment” include all sorts of perverted behavior:

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Life Magazine now available on Google Images!

This article notes that you can now browse the archives of LIFE magazine online!

“Only a very small percentage of these images have ever been published. The rest have been sitting in dusty archives in the form of negatives, slides, glass plates, etchings, and prints.

We're digitizing them so that everyone can easily experience these fascinating moments in time.

Today about 20 percent of the collection is online; during the next few months, we will be adding the entire LIFE archive — about 10 million photos.”

LIFE has some of the best photography in the world, and it’s a valuable archive, very entertaining.

You can use this interface to browse LIFE photos:

The key is the new keyword “source:life” tag in Google image search.

Many of the photos have never been seen before! This query shows rarely-seem images of Hitler:

For example, this search shows how teenage fads have changed over the past half century:

You can also include dates! This query shows aircraft form the 1940’s:

You can also find rarely seen photos of the Nazi holocaust (Warming: extremely graphic images)

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Redneck home delivery

Most city folks don’t understand that “moving day” is a bit different for country folks.

Today’s redneck buys their home from a home sales lot, like this elegant home sales lot in Burleson Texas.

All the modular homes are ready to move-in, all you need to do is buy a few acres that perks (for the septic), and you are ready to have you home delivered, right to your doorstep.

But it doesn’t always move like forty going north. What happens when redneck home delivery goes wrong?

Redneck moving day gone wrong

How do you handle this?

Is this covered under homeowner’s insurance, auto insurance, or is this a claim for roadside assistance?

(Thanks Travis for the great photo!)

Friday, December 19, 2008

Intentional infliction of Emotional Distress should be a felony!

Last month, Lori Drew, a jealous mother who tortured a neighbor’s daughter until she committed suicide, was convicted on only misdemeanor charges, causing national outrage. It was a classic case of Intentional infliction of emotional distress (IIED), an act of psychological torture so extreme as to cause irreparable damage and death.

Child killer Lori Drew: Going to Hell

This type of injustice could only occur in California, a state that makes a mockery of the American legal system, and I’m not the only one who is outraged at this injustice.

Help make psychological torture a felony crime!

I used to work scouring legal databases, using computer to extract case law on specific topics, and I still enjoy reading court cases. You can search the Lexis case law database here, for free. It’s great fun! You can read the actual facts of real-world cases, and it’s better than Judge Judy!

During litigation, the tort of intentional infliction of emotional distress (IIED) is considered a “junk tort”, tossed-in with a pile of other charges in many lawsuits. After all, every victim of fraud experiences some emotional distress, it comes with the crime.

The law says that intentional infliction of emotional distress requires that it be true emotional torture, and intentional infliction of emotional distress must be extreme, outrageous, and result in actual damage to the victim.

But I argue that intentional infliction of emotional distress can be much more than a junk tort. The process of “toying with someone’s feelings” can border on torture, and even though there is a special place in hell for these people, there should also be a special law that forces strict prison sentences for people who torture others.

There are sociopaths who have no problem destroying emotionally fragile people. I’ve heard stories of con artists attended a funeral, crying and claiming to be a close friend who was owed money!

There are also dirtbags who scour the obituaries for opportunities to play on the grief and suffering of others. They contact the surviving loved ones with claims that are designed to inflict extreme emotional distress, with the intent of upsetting them to the point where the grieving family would give them money.

In North Carolina we have the concept of “alienation of affection”, whereby someone entices someone to leave their spouse. The punitive damages are a punishment for bad behavior, and that’s what the courts are for, to heap misery on “home wreckers” who ruin the lives of innocent people!

There is no punishment too great for these predators.

I remember a case in the 1970’s (back before DNA testing) where a scumbag would show up at a man’s doorstep claiming to be an illegitimate child. The wife divorced him, and the lives of a whole family are ruined, all because of some greedy predator.

I’ve also read about cases where a grieving widow is approached by a con artist who says that she was having a relationship with her dead husband.

It’s time to elevate intentional infliction of emotional distress away from a junk tort, and create federal legislation to require all courts to add years to any conviction where the fraudster created emotional distress.

On the internet, a good example was the death threats made to blogger Kathy Sierra, as well as unscrupulous douchebags who undertake to ruin their competitor’s reputations.

For example, this case shows that juries are starting to pay attention to intentional infliction of emotional distress and tortuous interference with business relationships (TIBR).

"A worker at a gourmet coffee company is guilty of libel for hijacking a rival roaster's Web site and linking it to pages displaying pornography and foul language, a jury has found."

The big problem with intentional infliction of emotional distress is that is a civil tort, and the criminals are almost always judgment proof. IIED and TIBR destroy lives and it’s time that national legislation makes intentional infliction of emotional distress and tortuous interference with business relationships a felony crime.

People who undertake to destroy other people’s lives are sociopaths and their acts should not only criminal, but the public should be actively warned about them. They should start a sociopath registry, just like they do with sex offenders, or better still, give them a 21st century scarlet letter. A swastika would be appropriate, placed right on their forehead.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

How many people share your name?

In genealogy research it’s helpful to have an unpopular name, but there can be thousands of people with obscure names.

This article has a good list of obscure names and includes Seymour Bust, Pleasant Titty, Effing Dick, Minnie Bar, Al Dente, Kitty Litter and of course, Pete Sake and Turd Collar, all real names.

How popular is your name? This fun web site will allow you to see how popular your name is, all across America!

When I was a kid, I knew some people with uncommon names:

Mike Shitten - There are fewer than 337 people in the U.S. with the last name Shitten.

Dick Handler
- There are 2,386 people in the U.S. with the last name Handler. Statistically the 13124th most popular last name.

Jane Fuchs
- There are 11,686 people in the U.S. with the last name Fuchs. Statistically the 3215th most popular last name.

Great Fun!

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

The top weird Christmas toys for 2008!

The top weird toys for Christmas 2008

This list has a bizarre list of weird Christmas toys, something weird for every child:

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Reducing the risk of breast cancer in women

Evidently, guys have been sending out this note (below), doing their part to help prevent breast cancer! How unselfish of them.

This is one of the best gags I’ve seen in quite awhile. It’s well written, uses authoritative headings, and the only clue that it’s fake is the URL:

Study: Fellatio may significantly decrease the risk of breast cancer in women

I have it good authority that one than one blonde girl has taken this advice to heart . . .

Hey, if it got published on the interweb, it must be true . . .

Sunday, December 14, 2008

My dogs butt smells like Cheese!

Now, I can understand why people want to know the terminal velocity of a cat, but why would somebody query “my dogs bum smells like cheese”?

This reminds me of Borat at the dog pound!

Friday, December 12, 2008

Tommy Burns: Fight promoter of Dublin

I just love this interweb thingy, it’s great for finding obscure information.

But it’s much easier now. Using the internet I was quickly able to publish information about my great Uncle Tommy Burns and his wife Polly Burns, the world champion woman boxer.
Because of this simple blog post, I just had a new friend send me these great new photos of a Tommy Burns, poising with some of the leading heavyweights if the early 20th century:

In the first half of the 20th century, my great uncle Tommy Burn’s was a leading fight promoter in Dublin. The Burns clan was well-respected in Ireland, but Tommy was by far the most popular and outgoing.

The dapper Tommy Burns!

I vividly remember my Grandma tell me tall tales of her brother Tommy, some of which I won’t repeat because I have not yet been able to verify them. I’m going to continue my research in the hope of getting more information on this remarkable man.

Well, today I got a note from Patrick Joseph Dillon, the grandson of Tommy Burns and Polly!

The most thrilling part is that Patrick has found the movie about Polly the Pugalist!

Patrick also remembers Tommy Burns firsthand:

"Tommy's real name was James Alphonsus Thomas Burns and he was born in 1890. His father's name was John and a brother was also John, both dentists.

He was well known around Dublin and always wore a western style hat.

He drove an American car, I believe it was a Studebaker. The back wheels were half covered by the mudguard. I can still remember the smell of the leather. He paid for my oldest brother Tommy, my sister Pauline and myself to have private education."

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Fuk Ching Rolex watches from Fukein!

As China prepares for war with America, they are now infiltrating American business, copying our products with free abandon.

I love this one, a knock-off of Crest toothpaste, Crust:

Yum, Crust toothpaste.

For more, check out this page of Chinese knockoffs, hilarious!

China has been making phony Rolex watches for decades. The first reference to a fake Rolex in popular media was in the early 1970's on the TV show "All in the Family", when Archie Bunker bought a fake Rolex. Meathead noted that the name on the watch was "Romex"!

When it comes to a fake Rolex, some are better than others:

Some fake Rolexes are better than others

Today, the streets of Chinatown are full of vendors muttering in your ear “Rolex? Rolex? Rolex?” (and whispering “handbag, handbag, handbag” to the ladies!). It's now more fun than ever to buy Chinese knockoffs, all thanks to NYPD. They have driven them underground, and you now have to creep through back alleys, all very clandestine!

It seems that every Chinese crook is out to sell some fake designer goods! It’s organized crime, all orchestrated by the Fuk Ching gang.

I’m not kidding, these are Fuk Ching watches from Fukien province!

It’s been a long time since the Bowery Boys roamed to lower east side. Today, the Fuk Ching dominate, a New York City-based street gang comprised families from Fukien Province in China, the regents of the Rolex.

But they have come a long way, and the Chinese now make the Rolex watches with all of the bells and whistles of a real Rolex. They even have the holograms now, just like a real Rolex:

Fake Rolexes have holograms now!

Can you tell a real Rolex from a fake? It's not easy!

One of these is a real Rolex. Can you tell which Rolex below is real?

Which Rolex is real?

See my full notes on detecting a fake Rolex.

(BTW, the Rolex on the far right is authentic)

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

Who deserves to be baild out?

The whole concept of capitalism in America is your ability to sink or swim without government influence, and I have to believe that American laisse faire market forces will drive out the bad and reward those companies that deserve it.

That’s the American way.

Adam Smith must surely be spinning in his grave over this bailout crap, and make no mistake, I support free market economics.

I thought that this comment was worth sharing, very creative:

Give a cruise as a gift!

I can always tell when it’s Christmas time, everyone is super-nice to us! Janet and I are generous tippers, and everyone from the Maitre’D to the Mailman wants us to know how hard they worked for us in the past year!

But I don’t like giving-out cash tips. They usually do something un-fun like pay their bills. Where’s the fun it that? I want to give a tip that’s fun! Every year, Janet and I take some of our helpers and their families on a cruise, great fun!

Burleson Consulting yearly cruise

But, what’s fun for rednecks? Like Seth McFarlane says, cruises are upper-middle class vacations for lower middle-class people, and they are perfect for good ole boys.

Redneck cruising tips

Rednecks are traveling more then ever before

With the economy in the dumpster, the cruise lines are offering unparalleled deals, offering-up nice Caribbean cruises for as little as $50 per day, and you can buy a whole cruise for under $300!

You cannot stay in a Motel 6 for that price. It’s great for the redneck honeymoon too:

Cruises - perfect for the redneck honeymoon

Janet and I gave a thank you cruise to one of our best helpers, and it was very appreciated:

“Dear Janet and Don,

I don’t know how to ever thank you for what you have done for me. I am 43 years old and no one has ever done anything for me.

I have all ways worked my but off to get anything, and now I’m going on a cruise. I never in my life thought I’d ever go anywhere like this, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for doing this for me. I don’t know how I can ever repay you for the things you have helped me do.

Since I started working for you it’s not like looking after a job any more it’s like looking after family. And don I thank you so much for getting me into golf.

I never thought I’d hit a ball and run it down to hit it again...LOL...

ANDY and JEN is lucky as hell to have you guys looking out for them. REAL PARENTS who care for them...thank you so much...and I can’t wait till I go !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

I can’t wait to see how he likes it . . .

Monday, December 08, 2008

Brad Clayton named PGA teacher of the Year!

Brad Clayton, one of the top PGA master instructors in the PGA has been named Teacher of the year for 2008, winning the prestigious Palmer Maples award for the Carolinas.

“Brad Clayton of The Zone Golf Learning Center in Oxford, N.C., is the Palmer Maples Teacher of the Year”

No golf teacher is more deserving of this honor, and we congratulate Brad on this great honor!

We also look forward to Brad's new book "Puzzle Duck Golf":

Hurricane Devastation tour: The Ike Experience!

I love Grand Turk and I have many friends on this pristine little island, and right now they are suffering from massive destruction from Hurricane Ike.

Their houses are in rubble, plumbing still remains to be fixed and people are forced to poop on the beach, and it’s a huge mess.

Our friends Zeus and Erika were fortunate that the historic Salt Raker survived, still standing since 1830:

But Grand Turk remains a mess and our hearts go out to all of our friend who must now rebuild:

The misery tour!

I saw this today on Princess cruises, the Ike Experience, an excursion devoted to seeing the devastation and misery of others. What sick asswipe thought of this?

"The Ike Experience"

Grand Turk continues to recover from category 4 Hurricane Ike and this unique tour provides an overview of the aftermath and rebuilding efforts. Board your transportation at the pier and traverse the majority of the island. Your driver will share his experiences, identify the historical remnants, and provide background information on everything that relates to both the hurricane and the social, cultural and heritage influences of Grand Turk. The tour includes a 20-minute stop at the Lighthouse Park with its beautiful views and short trails.

Sunday, December 07, 2008

Why do Americans hate Europeans?

I’ve never completely understood why so many American’s hate foreigners, especially people from Europe. Do we hate Europeans because they are arrogant, condescending and smell funny, or is there a deeper reason for the hatred?

I saw this new product today, an All-American drink that crosses-out anything French:

Ummmm, American Vanilla . . .

Saturday, December 06, 2008

NC golf instructor honored on TV!

Brad Clayton, an all-around nice guy and superb golf coach, was honored on TV this week for his work helping the handicapped to learn golf.

Brad drives all up and down the eastern seaboard, volunteering his time to teach golf to the disabled:

“He teaches others how to adapt to students with special needs, just as he has had to adapt by re-learning the simplest of things like tying your shoe.”

Click this link, and be sure to watch the online video of Brad.

Brad also volunteers his time to help wounded military veterans learn to love golf.

Brad Clayton, Master PGA Pro Instructor

Brad voilunteers to teach the golf team members at Duke University and the University North Carolina at Wilmington, and one-armed or not, Brad is one of the best golf instructors in America. I’ve have over a dozen golf instructors in my life and Brad is head-and-shoulders above any I’ve ever worked with.

Janet and I are klutzes with serious physical limitations, and Brad has done wonders with our games. Brad is a PGA Master professional, and he seems to know exactly what to say to give us the right “swing thought” to shoot par golf . . .

Janet and I are excited that Brad has agreed to write a book “Puzzle Duck Golf”, which promises to be one of the best golf instruction books ever: