Sunday, May 20, 2007

Air travel for the indigent

I recently had the displeasure of traveling on TrailerTrash Airlines, a super-cheap air carrier catering to the poor and destitute air traveler.

The most important difference was the notable absence of business travelers, and the flyers were a cross-section of scummy people, right out the studio audience from the Maury Povich show.

I noticed that the TrailerTrash customers fell into several categories:

The B. O. Plenty's - The number of flyers with offensive body odor is a major issue, and TrailerTrash airlines support the right of passengers to exercise their right to stink.

The willfully disabled - These are those morbidly obese "double seat" flyers who eat themselves into wheelchairs and get special treatment as "disabled" travelers.

The Thumpers - These are the religious zealots who have recognized that the captive audience of an airport terminal is a great place to show-off and impose their worship ceremonies upon the public.

Is stinking a constitutional right?

During our coach travel adventure we encountered people from each of these low-class travelers, starting with the endless lines of people checking-in with their "Tennessee Samsonite", a novel custom-made luggage, made from Hefty trash bags and duct tape.

Tennessee Samsonsite

At the ticket counter, one fellow stank to high heaven, an acrid, putrid stench made up from weeks of acuminated sweat and feces. This was a short fellow with matted black hair and the greasy skin complexion favored by San Francisco hobos.

The gate agent was trying to deny him boarding, but she did not speak English very well, which was OK, since he did not speak much English anyway. The stinker kept shouting "Kay?, Kay?", and the counter lady became exasperated and finally relented, handing Mr. Plenty his boarding pass.

Pre-flight on TrailerTrash Airlines

Many of the traveler on TrailerTrash Airlines secured their in-flight meals by rooting through the trash cans at the food court, fetching-up tasty treats of half-eaten bagels and sandwich scraps.

The willfully disabled

During boarding we were treated to a small fleet of super-fat welfare recipients (or perhaps ex-Sumo wrestlers), all demanding wheelchairs and special treatment for their self-inflicted disability. Imagine flying cross country sitting next to Michael Moore, a nightmare of epic proportions:

Guess who gets the middle seat?

I'm sorry, willful misconduct should not constitute a disability, and people who eat themselves into a wheelchair are not legitimately disabled. I'm tired of hearing this crap about hormone imbalances. Do these fatties expect us to believe that they would remain grossly obese if they were imprisoned in a concentration camp?

The Thumpers

I have the greatest respect for the absolute right of people of every religion to practice their beliefs, and most air travelers are tolerant of quiet praying. But that's changing, and I don't understand how religious extremists think that they have the right to impose their worship ceremonies upon the public.

I remember the 1970's where those Hairy Krishna's preachers would ply the airports in orange robes (with what appeared to be a dab of peanut butter on their forehead), shaking their tambourines and pestering business people. Thankfully, they were banned from airports, but now in the 21st century travelers must tolerate invasive ad-hoc worship services in the boarding area.

Praying before a captive audience

A recent lawsuit highlights this issue of people imposing their religion on travelers, where Muslim worshippers sued their fellow air passengers for reporting their public worship ceremonies as suspicious.

We now see that many cab drivers deliberately violate the civil rights of disabled people, denying blind folks with seeing-eye dogs the right to equal access.

The future of air travel for the poor

While I'm sure that the poor deserve to fly on commercial airlines, they do not have the right to violate the rights of their fellow passengers.