Sunday, February 03, 2008

Cruise ship quack doctors

Most cruise passengers don’t realize that the cruise lines provide medical care as a courtesy only, and they are not required to staff their facilities with qualified American doctors or nurses. You must carefully vet their medical training and certifications before consenting to medical treatment, your life might depend on it.

Under ancient maritime and admiralty law, the captain appoints a ship doctor. They often chose the cook, since they were good with knives.

I have many clients through the Caribbean and over the years I’ve learned to always ask for a M.D., when I am in need of any medical assistance. I have experienced horrendous care by “doctors” overseas, including one physician who told my wife that her joint inflammation was due to her unforgiven sins, and prescribed that she bath in the blood of Jesus Christ!

Foreign physicans are quacks

I recently had a serious injury on a cruise ship, and I knew that I was going to be in trouble when the cruise ships "doctor" reminded me of the dumb-looking guy who works at my local hippie herbal cure store.

Would you trust an African doctor?

Me: “Are you an M.D.?”

Quack: “I’m a doctor”.

Me: “So was my College History Professor”, I replied.

Me: “I'll ask you again: Are you an M.D.? It's a simple question, you are either an M.D. or you aren't.”

Quack: No response. . . .

In the cruise ship medical facility, my wife is trying to reach a "real doctor" while I was bombarded with a bunch of half-English babble.

Quack doctor: “Do you take Blutiners?"

Me: “What is Blutiner”? I've never heard of the word.

Quack doctor: “You speak English”, he replied in an underserved arrogant tone. "You need to be cooper rahtive".

Me: "Cooper-ah-tive? What the F**k does cooper-rahtive mean"? (The idiot was trying to say cooperative)

Don't suffer fools gladly when vetting a foreign doctor

I was then told that I had only three choices:

1. Refuse treatment
2. Accept their treatment
3. Be "put off the ship"to find a real doctor on my own. At this point I had visions of being sent adrift on a lifeboat.

After all, I asked myself, how bad could they screw-up a simple IV line and meds?

Read more of my notes on the perils of foreign doctors on cruise ships.