Clubbing Baby Seals

The idea of freshly clubbed baby seal is met with repulsion by hippies and members of PETA, but to the Eskimo’s, fresh baby seal is a real treat. I was in Eskimo country recently and I was surprised to find out that they can hunt all sorts of unique goodies, including seagulls, seal meat and whales.




I ♣ Baby Seals

At the market, the seal meat is a vivid red, and it almost turns black then cooked:


Freshly-clubbed seal meat for sale in Greenland

I was recently in Newfoundland, an area crippled by the withdrawal of Red Lobster Corporation who stopped buying their shellfish as a direct protest to the clubbing of baby seals.

Newfoundland is a foreign place in many ways, not to mention that their time is 90 minutes off from EST, a situation which presents a huge timezone problem for anyone who does computer globalization.

There is much to see in Newfoundland, most notably L'Anse Aux Meadows, the site of the first North American Viking settlement which was inhabited centuries before.
The Newfie’s are a nice bunch of folks, and like rednecks, they are the butts of many jokes which they call Newfie Jokes:



In the USA, some animals are protected, and the only way to kill them is if you are being attacked and they are coming right for you:

While clubbing baby seals looks cruel, the Newfie’s tell a different tale. They say that the ravenous seal population destroys their fish crop and it’s absolutely necessary to thin the herd. They say that the least painful ways to kill baby seals is to walk right up to them and whack ‘em on the head:



With bullets, the babies risk suffering.

They also say that the baby seals taste much better than the adult deals, which have a very strong fishy and gamey flavor. It’s like the difference between lamb and mutton.

Incidentally, the Eskimos say that baby seal has a fishy taste and it has a distinct gamey flavor which most Americans would find disgusting. I’d like to say that it tastes like chicken, but it tastes more like seagull, which they sell in their public markets:



We Americans are hypocrites when it comes to the slaughter of baby seals. The baby seal harvest is no more gruesome than the slaughter of baby lambs, and just as violent. Where I live, the farmers slit their throats and hang them upside down while they are still alive so that the last beats of their hearts flush the blood from their dying baby bodies:

Copenhagen fast food!

As I noted in an earlier post, Janet and I recently visited Denmark, and amazing and beautiful country with only 5 million people, less than the population of a large American city.

It’s a bit of an anomaly that the Danish consider themselves to be very content, yet they have among the highest rates of suicide and alcoholism anywhere in Europe.

Most Americans don’t even know that Denmark is a country, except what we learn from Television. Most recently an episode of South Park where Denmark is described as “the Canada of Europe”:



“When you think about it, Denmark is the Canada of Europe.
It’s very cold, we like hockey, and nobody pays much attention to us”
– From “Canada on Strike”, South Park Studios

The whole country is only five million people, less than a large American city, but Maersk revenue gives their currency a huge boost in the international fiscal market, creating a talent vacuum whereby remote American experts cost up to 4x less than their own experts! (Their minimum wage is $22 per hour)

We are not alone here, Jim Goodnight beat us here. Other North Carolina companies are taking hold here in Denmark, and there is a huge SAS office right up the road from our hotel.

To Americans, food is very expensive in Denmark, and a big Mac will set you back ten bucks:


Copenhagen is the land of the $10 big mac

However, it’s their native fast food that is very intriguing.




A traditional Danish dinner can cost over $200


Hot dogs and pizza are as American as apple pie, but the Danish have an interesting take on hot dogs. There have over six varieties, quite different from any NYC Sabretts:


Only $5 for a hot dog - what a country!

On ordinary hot dogs, they put mustard, ketchup (a criminal offense in many states), canned onion strings and these funky sweet pickle slices. It sounds gross, but it’s actually quite good:


Yup, that's catsup and fried onion strings on that weiner

However, we could not figure out their other hot dogs. We loved the “fransk Hot Dogs”, a fat wiener tucked into a crispy fresh-baked french roll, quite yummy.

Where it gets weird are their other Danish hot dogs, essentially Coney Island footlongs served with a five-inch bun and pools of catsup and mustard served on wax paper:


I'd like the bun on the side, please . . .

For more details, see my complete notes here on Copenhagen travel tips.

Royal Carribbean cruises bans wafer steaks!

We have been on three Royal Caribbean cruises so far this year, and the main dining area has become a joke.

Because of their super-great bargain prices, the cruise lines have begun catering to the working-class redneck (see my notes on redneck cruising), and you have to rely on their extra-cost restaurants for “fine” dining, while the main dining areas serve “pretend” fine food with crawdads and wafer steaks masquerading as surf and turf:


The Waffle House wafer steak, a Bill Clinton favorite

Well, Royal Caribbean has changed their ways!

The consumerist notes that Royal Caribbean is replacing their Waffle House style cheapo steaks with edible meat, and a $14.95 surcharge in the main dining rooms!


No mo' nasty wafer steaks!

At last, Black Angus steaks. It’s still not USDA meat (I I’ll go to their extra cost “chops” steakhouse anyway), but it’s getting better. With cruising now becoming a blue-collar activity, expect more surcharges items for luxury items which were one de-rigueur a few decades ago . . .
“As always, the surcharges are entirely your fault. Cruise lines complain that you gluttonous cruisers are demanding more choices. Your steak needs to be natural, or organic, or whatever—you don't care as long as it's more expensive than the "variety meats" the rest of the floating swines are feasting on.

Or, as we still can't believe a Celebrity Cruises VP once said: "When people go on vacation, they want to spend money."”

By the way, there are only two more October sailings this year for the Grandeur of the Seas 5-day Bermuda cruise, the best bargain afloat, under $600 each for a full 5-day cruise.


The Grandeur is perfect for the redneck honeymoon

Forensic expert witnesses

For some continuing education this year I’m attending a series of lectures by Joel Klass, a noted Forensic Psychiatrist and expert witness. Dr. Klass is showing his years and his lectures and sometimes scattered, but his anecdotal evidence is priceless.

What’s wrong with the American legal system (according to Dr. Klass)

- Growing reliance on expert witnesses

- No clear standard of what level of experience constitutes an expert

- Difficulty determining junk science (silicon breast implant awards, Volkswagen seat belt case)

- Subjective influences affecting objective facts

In my work in database forensics, I could really identify with these issues. There are many “fake” computer experts out there, often under-skilled and under-employed goofballs who give themselves the title of expert.

Dr, Klass once treated a couple who were raised in separate foster homes. They met fell in love, married and had a child, all before discovering that they were brother and sister!

Interesting, Dr. Klass stated something that animal husbandry breeders have known for centuries, that there are no ill-effects in breeding brother to sister.

Klass says that inbreeding accentuates bad traits and gave the Hapsburg Hemophilia as an example, but stated that the taboo against sibling breeding in humans was designed to enforce the incest taboo, a more social and innate phenomenon.

Any horse breeder will tell you that from a purely genetic perspective, line breeding can create spectacular horses . . . .

Iderntifying bias in expert witnesses

Most judges expect the expert to zealously advocate for their client, and they do not expect the expert to be fair and balanced. The judge will weigh your testimony against the expert of the opposing party, and presenting yourself as fair and unbiased can backfire.

Tricks for evaluating influence – You can evaluate whether a child witness has been unduly influenced by a parent with the “Is it OK to fight?” question. However the child replies, the evaluator takes a strong opposing position. I use a similar technique to determine if someone is a sycophant, asking a general question and then taking an opposing posture.

Experience and the unconscious – The famous “vase” perception test is very revealing. To pre-pubescent children, they see the dolphins, while adults see the naughty bits:

Challenge the opposing expert – Never accept expert opinion at face value, and insist on asking “what is the basis for your opinion”

Watch out for resume fraud – Many medical experts will “puff” their experience. Fluff, exaggeration and distortion of work experience are a dead giveaway.

Here are some actual medical distortions noted by Dr. Klass by experts trying to hide facts:

- “he is mature and somber” – Used to descibe a someone with clinical depression

- “he is a manly disciplinarian” – Used to descibe a child beater

- “he has a period of isolated unproductively” – Used to descibe a someone who served time in prison!

- “he has a history of being careless with flammables” – Used to descibe an arsonist

- “she has a history of encouraging men’s financial gifts” – Used to descibe a whore

Klass often interjects his personal opinions into the lectures, a few gems:

- The adversarial system should be eliminated for feuding divorcee’s custody battles.

- Conspiracy theories are not the result of the fact that one-fifth of our population is retarded. Rather, people believe in conspiracies (often in the face of overwhelming evidence) because of “pressure” from third parties (e.g. Oliver Stone in the Kennedy Assassination).

Identifying Sycophants

I just finished attending some continuing education lectures taught by Joel Klass, MD, a famous forensic psychiatrist who has treated over 18k patients and testified in some of the most publicized cases of the 20th century.



Dr. Klass is a great speaker, and the best part is his sharing his insider secrets for evaluating potential witnesses and patients.

Joel has one example which really struck home for me, a fool-proof for identifying sycophants, butt-kissers who are easily influenced by people in a position of authority.

Is it OK to Fight?

In order to identify kids who may have been unduly influenced by an adult, Klass asks children the question “Is it OK to fight?” If the patient responds “yes”, re replies in a strong voice “You really believe that it’s acceptable to fight?” Conversely, if the patent replies “no”, he replies in an equally strong voice “You really think that it’s never OK to fight?”
A sycophant will always flip-flop, and he says that it’s a great way to evaluate children in child custody cases, where a parent has been brainwashing a child.

But this technique has applications in the technical world as well.

I work in a high tech consulting company, and it’s critical for me to hire experts who are not afraid to be the only dissenting voice in a room. One of my favorite “butt-kisser” evaluation techniques is to ask a similar question to “Is fighting OK?”, but referring to a controversial technical topic.

Regardless of how the job candidate responds, I take a strong oppositional position and observe their reaction.

Technical experts tend to be a tad short on interpersonal skills, and it’s not uncommon to find uber-nerds who “don’t play well with others”. Identifying these shortcomings and other neurosis are critical when hiring expert consultants, and there are many tricks that we use to access the personality characteristics of a technical expert.

My friend Mike Reed says it best in this cartoon from his amazing "Flame Warriors" collection:

Mike Reed's famous "Flame Warriors"

While I cannot reveal my trade secrets, you can learn more about this by reading the great book “Unobtrusive Measures”, and the books “Conducting the Programmer Job Interview” and the “Oracle Job Interview Handbook”, by Andrew Kerber, a West Point graduate and Oracle ACE.

Eating krill

Plankton and krill are a favorite food of whales, but I had never eaten them until we visited our business associates in Holland.

They call the krill “baby shrimp”, and serve them on a half avocado with a dollop of seasoned mayonnaise.

Our serving had hundreds of these tiny shrimp, like tiny worms:



It tastes delicious, but it helps to have a few drinks first. Dutch shrimp have a bit more of a “fishy” flavor than larger shrimp, but these tiny sea bugs are hard to become accustomed to, especially since they look very similar to maggots.

Speaking of maggots - errata

In a previous blog entry I noted how we clean out maggots from open wounds on our livestock, and I got chastised by several vets who note that maggots are a great natural benefit to untreated wounds. They keep the wound clean by eating the pus a win-win for all. In fact, during the Civil War many soldiers were kept alive with the deliberate application of maggots.

Despite their looks, maggots are our friend.

Selling iceboxes to Eskimos

When marketing genius Ron Popiel started Ronco, it was based on the premise of “need creation” where customer have the epiphany “I need one of these”.



Remember the Veg-o-matic “it slices, it dices”?



Sony does the same thing, but “need creation” is not a new concept.

Back in the early 1900’s they said that a good marketer could sell refrigerators to Eskimos. Well, it’s true. Here is a picture I snapped in an Inuit village in Greenland, refrigerators and freezers sold in a store sitting on top of the permafrost!


Iceboxes for sale to Eskimos

I was recently in Denmark where I found this product that Americans don’t know they need.

Incidentally, Denmark has one of the strongest currencies in the world, and compared with the weak dollar, American services are a huge bargain in a land where a big Mac costs over $10 (see my notes on the Big Mac Index and the PPP):


Denmark - Home of the $10 Big Mac

I was in Copenhagen recently because of new demand which is created because of exchange rate inequities. Database management was invented in the USA and since it's an American specialty, and the Danish are thrilled to be able to get All-American remote database support for less than half the cost of local talent, a win-win for all!

Anyway, Ron Popeil missed this gem. In a Danish store I came across this beauty, a “Nasal horn”!


I've always wanted to squirt water from my nostrils

Doesn’t the lady in the picture look lovely, with water squirting from her nose?

Funny European Toilets

Ever since Thomas Crapper invented the toilet, flushers have come in a bewildering array of forms. They can be pull chains, foot petals, or any number of weird buttons.


Thomas Crapper – Inventor of “The Crapper”

I like frugal people, and I have noticed that people in Europe will always turn a nickel over twice. The thriftiness of the Scotch and Dutch is legendary (e.g. the “Dutch Treat), and I noted that their toilets have two buttons, with the intent of saving a few micro-pennies per flush.

If European, you press the light flush button. Anything weighing more than five Courics (1) requires the “heavy flush” button.


An Amsterdam Crapper with stingy and liberal flush


A Denmarkian crapper with dual flush


(1) See European Fecal Standards and Measurements

Nasty Chihuahuas

I hate Chihuahua dogs! Every now and then we have a “take your dog to work” day and we used to have an employee who would bring-in this nasty flea-bitten Chihuahua.

Sure, they are cute in a Taco Bell sort of way, but don’t ever let them get anywhere near your face.



This nasty pooch climbed up on the back of the couch, and started messing with my hair, scenting it with her foul odor.

When I turned to grab her and toss her across the room, the disgusting beast lunged at me and flicked her tongue into my mouth!

Super fast, like a Ninja, I never stood a chance.



Words cannot describe being frenched by a Mexican dog. I was like having a piece of hot, wet, stinking liver in your mouth.

It was beyond gross. I brushed my teeth until they bled and I’ll probably never get over it.

In other news, I made LOLCats, quite an honor!

The rise of the Algorithm!

Check out this Businessweek article on quants. Being a quantoid is now cool, and they are called the “Numerati”! Jen just got her degree in Operations Research and Supply Chain Management, and I’m really glad to see that predictive modeling is alive and well . . .

The Rise of the Numerati

Take the time to read all four pages, this is important new research. Some hippies and liberals scream “Big Brother”, but personnel can be seen as a “system”, just like any business process.

Personally, I have developed amazing predictive models for predicting the future behavior of computer systems, and it’s great to hear that these heuristic science techniques are going mainstream. This is exciting stuff, real science applied to the real world:




The algorithm can be the foundation for a whole business. Just like Dayjets and Federal Express, efficient application of algorithms, combined with artificial intelligence can revolutionize businesses. The new class of super-scientists, the Numerati stands ready to redefine empirical science.



But sometimes algorithms are funny! I develop computer system that pass information inside the URL and we commonly use algorithms to create them. Just like monkeys will eventually type Shakespeare, sometime you get a funny URL. Check out the last string on this Amazon URL:

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Server-Workgroup-2005-Win32-English/dp/B000BJERKY