Racist Board Games

Check out Somethingawful for some super-creative Photoshopped offensive board games.

WARNING - Above Link is super offensive.

Deal or No Deal game: Hooker Edition:



Pro-Life Operation board game:



Racist Board Games

First, some history, there were real racist board games, such as this real racist game from the 1930's called "Darkies in the Melon Patch":



There are also parody racist board games, offensive characatures of Black people, like Monopoly for Black People:



Via Reddit

Ghettopoly:

How General MacArthur stole a Distinguished Flying Cross

Like most honest people, I hate posers and cheaters, but few more than “dugout Doug” MacArthur, the prick that nearly killed my father in the Philippines and had the gall to recommended himself for a Medal of Honor.

This was the only time in history that a Medal of Honor was awarded for a dishonorable act, MacArthurs well-documented ineptitude and cowardice at Corregidor.

His own men mocked the old asshole, saying "I Shall Return" whenever they went to the latrine to take a dump, showing open contempt for this monumental prick . . .


Dugout Doug MacArthur: Portrait of an Asshole

You have to be a monumental jerk to have your only son change his name (Arthur MacArthur IV and hide out in Greenwich Village under an assumed name.

BTW, Arthur is still alive and he is the only man alive who can say that he had a Grandpa who won the Medal of Honor in the Civil War!

Stolen Valor: MacArthur's DFC

I visited MacArthurs tomb in Norfolk Virginia and was shocked that this medal-grabbing asswipe managed to get awarded the Distinguished Flying Cross at 71 years old!


How the hell do you win a DFC at 71 years old?

See my notes here on how General MacArthur stole his valor. BTW, MacArthur also gave LBJ a Silver Star that he did not deserve, a man without one iota of personal integrity . . .

Well, I finally found out “Big Mac” stole his DFC.

From the book “Anything, Anywhere, Anytime: Combat Cargo of the Korean War” on page 9 we see who an old man 5-star Army general got the Distinguished Flying Cross as a party favor from one of his underlings, two generals kissing each other’s asses:

“MacArthur modestly took credit for what he considered a brilliant tactical maneuver that would complete the destruction of the North Korean Army. To MacArthur’s surprise and pleasure, Stratemeyer presented him (General Douglas MacArthur) with the Distinguished Flying Cross for his “outstanding heroism and extraordinary achievement” while participating in aerial flights to Korea. MacArthur, in turn, awarded Tunner the Distinguished Service Cross.”

This stolen valor theft is personal to me since my own father Louis F. Burleson won the Distinguished Flying Cross (twice) for real, nearly getting his ass killed, while MacArthur grabs one as a party souvenir.


MacArthur spat in the face of all real DFC winners

Lessons in Personal Integrity

Not everyone takes “freebie” medals. As a lesson in personal integrity, my father was not so much proud of his own heroism as much as he was about turning down General Stratemeyer.

General Stratemwyer recommended my Dad for the Air Force Distinguished Service Medal, one of the Air Force’s top honors. Unlike MacArthur, my father had the personal integrity to turn it down.

Like many real-deal war heros, my father never once wore his medals in public. I fished them out of a dresser drawer after he died and mounted them as wall plaque:



The thing he was most proud of was turning down a medal that he felt he did not deserve, a lesson that General MacArthur never learned . . .

One of the reasons that I'm successful in business is that I demand personal intergity from all of my employees, and I have zero tolerance for dishonesty . . .

Pandora - Analyze the music genome!

Just like a database has characteristic signatures, so do words and music.

I have been using Soundex for many years to find words that “sound alike” surnames, and now they have a way to analyze the “genome” of music and find songs that sound alike.

The online music web site Pandora will analyze music that you like and recommend other music that sounds like the music that you like, sort of an ad-hoc recommendation engine that customized a “station” based upon your listening preferences.



Anybody my age will tell you that very little good music was written after 1975, but the oldies stations tend to play nauseating disco.

I paid the $36 a year, and it’s quite good. I doubt that it is really sophisticated music tonal analysis, but rather a sophisticated feedback engine, but it’s quite good, highly recommended.


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Geocities Redux!

Enter your favorite URL on this link, and see the page as it would have looked back in 1995 on a Geocities page, made by a 13 years old kid:

http://wonder-tonic.com/geocitiesizer/index.php

Swimsuits for dogs!

I think that some animals need to wear clothes as appropriate, and I pioneered specialized footwear for guide ponies for the blind:


Scout with Noah Wyle

One of our blind ladies even made formal footware for her guide horse:


Confetti wears her matching formal dress shoes

Now this is OK because horse shoes are functional, but I don't see the point bhing swimsuits for dogs.

Swimwear for Dogs

This is SO wrong, swimsuits for dogs, bikini style:


Sexy topless bikini for bitches

I like this bikini below, but it's not accurate with six cups. Everybody knows that dogs have between 8-12 boobs. It amazes me how many people don't know the number of teats on common mammals





And what genius thought to put a nasty Chihuahua in a bikini:

Marijuana & Alcohol Beverages!

With the imminent legalization of medical marijuana, we need only look back to the early 20th century to find refreshing pot-based beverages:


Marijuana medicine drink from the early 20th century

Note that the alcohol content is double that of whiskey! It may not be medicinal, but I’ll bet the consumers don’t care . . .

I wonder why this pot drink medicine is marked "POISON" on the spout?

I'll bet the market will soon be flooded with Marijuana-infused soda pop, beer and liquors.

What next, “Cool Refreshing Crack”?



Via TYWKIWDBI

Exceptions to the “tiny penis” rule!

These is an old adage that if you want to trash somebody in a novel without getting sued for libel, all you have to do is write that the character has a very tiny penis.

Nobody is going to sue you for libel and come forward saying:

“Yes, that’s me in the book, the guy with the teeny weenie”.

There is even a name for this tactic, it's called the “small penis rule”!

This is funny case by Michael Crichton . The link describes how Crichton trashed a phoney scientist who endorsed the Global Warming hoax by describing him as an anal sex pedophile:

"The defendant, thirty-year-old Mick Crowley, was a Washington-based political columnist who was visiting his sister-in-law when he experienced an overwhelming urge to have anal sex with her young son, still in diapers."

Enzyte: Exception to the tiny penis rule

However, there are exceptions to the tiny penis rule.

When a shyster Steve Warshak started selling a phony penis enlargement product called “Enzyte” he relied on the tiny penis rule to protect him, thinking that no man was ever doing to ask for a refund because their member remained microscopic.

Wrong.

This article shows the peril of relying on the tiny penis rule.



Steve Warshak got 25 year in jail after over-billing for Enzyte, but the TV commercials were hilarious, a masterpiece of marketing genius!

Genius Advertising!

This is a real personal ad from the Atlanta Constitution:

SINGLE WHITE FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work; wearing only what nature gave me... Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Annie , I'll be waiting.....
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The phone number is for the Atlanta Humane Society!

Genius, pure genius!


Single white female

The Charming Youngsters 2010 tour

The Charming Youngsters with Andy Burleson on bass have started their 2010 tour, hitting sites up and down the East Coast.



Girls, this is your big chance, only one more appearance left in this tour . . .

Neurological disorders in elderly chickens!

We have a nine year old rooster with a bizarre neurological disorder.

Nine years is about 100 years old in chicken years, a mighty long life for a rooster, and he shows his age, suffering from a senility most fowl. . . .

As a general rule, chickens normally don’t live long enough to grow senile:



Over 99.9% of male chickens die within two hours of being born, being tossed alive into a grinder:



I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!

This ancient rooster has very little balance and we constantly find him laying on his side, thrashing!

last week Janet found him lying in the chicken “dusting hole” feet-up!

She thought he was dead, and went to toss him onto poo mountain, a traditional chicken funeral, but he was quite alive and greatly relieved to be rescued.

We suspect that his disorder may be from childhood trauma from sexual abuse:



Treatment for chicken senile demential

We had our veterinarian over to the ranch and we asked about the treatment for an elderly chicken with a neurological disorder.

He recommended treating him with a basting of BBQ sauce . . .

Eventually, we all know that ole Mr Rooster will go to the great broaster in the sky:

The nightmare of non-alphabetical names!

In my baby naming guidelines for foreigners I personally don’t think it right to name your child Shitaqua, Spooge, Dooshe, Maboob, Butt, Wang, Balldeep, Nad, Poob, or of course, Furpie.

As a computer person, nothing pisses me off worse than parents who give their kids bizarre non-conformant names with embedded non-alphabetical characters.



I remember the case of a Vietnamese fellow named “N” who was forced to choose a two-character name because the computer would not accept a one character name.

We all remember “Prince” who changed his name to an unpronounceable symbol:


The musician formally known as prince: How do you pronounce this dumb name?

And I don’t like names that sound like something else, like my cousin Drewell Burleson. He is a nice guy, but I always giggle because his name sounds like Drool . . . .

And don't get me started on idiots that put non-alphabetic characters in kids names . . .

Le-a = Ledasha: The dash is not silent!

How would you pronounce this child's name, "Le-a"?

Leah?? WRONG
Lee - A?? NO
Lay - a?? NOPE
Lei?? Guess Again.

It turns out that Le-a is pronounced "Ledasha", because the dash is not silent!

This child attends a school in Kansas City, Missouri and her idiot mother is irate because everyone is saying her name wrong.

When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she replied, and I quote:

"The dash don't be silent."

This is too weird to make up . . . .

Phallic Virgin Mary?

The Blessed Virgin Mary should never be rendered as abstract art, it might go horribly wrong:


Hail Mary, Full of Grace . . .

The Koran commands all Muslins to terrorize non-believers?

After last week’s shocking terrorist attack against South Park, we wonder how American free speech can possibly allow admitted terrorists like the man below to legally threaten to murder those who disagree with them, in this case, Trey Parker and Matt Stone, the geniuses behind South Park.

Please listen carefully to the words of this man and decide for yourself:

The world’s best sleight of hand artist

Last week we took Jen3 and her husband David to see Penn & Teller live in Las Vegas, and even with close-up seats we could not see his lightening fast moves, quite impressive . . .

They have a great presentation of phony psychics and how to do Cold Readings.

Poor Jen3 waited for 15 minutes to get her picture taken with them after the show, but her camera had dead batteries! Bummer Dude . . .




Janet with Penn & Teller

Today, many people praise Penn Jilette (Penn & Teller) for being the best sleight of hand artist, but in the olden days, it was the Great Cardini.

The Great Cardini

Below is Richard Pitchford (“The Great Cardini”) performing his amazing “intoxicated English gentleman” routine.

He is considered the best the world has ever seen for sleight of hand.

He practiced his moves while sitting in the trenches in WWI.

Watch carefully and notice that he has nothing up his sleeve . . .

A Banshee Cat Screaming

Being half Irish, I believe in the Banshee, and I've once heard the crying of a real banshee.

When I played this video, our Yorkie dog feraked out, she was shaking from fear!

Listen to this Banshee cat, creepy kitty:

Funny hospital pain chart

This blog has a great post of the relative pain charts that hospitals use:



And her more creative version of the hospital pain chart:

World’s funnest toy

This is the funnest toy I’ve ever seen! It sails, drives and flys!

It’s called a Hydrofoam, or a Storm Launcher, a radio controlled toy that drives, sails on water and flies!



Watch this video, truly a super fun toy!



I also like this redneck version, a flying lawnmower toy:

Little girls playing with baby skunks

Aw . . . How cute . . .

What could possibly go wrong?


Here kitty, kitty . . .

Check for ear creases and prevent a heart attack!

It sounds like an old wives tale, but I’ve known many people with ear creases who died young from heart disease, including my own father:

There is a strong correlation between ear creases and sudden death from heart disease, but in reality the correlation is because the ear creased indicate advanced aging.

Here is a photo of my Dad taken a few years before I was born. Note the prominent ear crease and note that he was only 41 year old at the time this picture was taken, even though he looks many years older:



In his case, the ear crease was indeed an accurate predictor of death by heart attack, but the root cause was the rapid aging which was caused by many years of combat stress.


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Medal of Honor winner calls Obama “The Black One”

Col. Bud Day is a remarkable man, a medal of honor winner who fought in WWII, again in Korea and in Vietnam, combat service spanning from 1942 to 1974, more than 30 years.

Bud Day was also a POW, one of the most heroic pilots in US history and the most decorated military man alive:



Bud was 17 when he joined the Marine Corp, and had to pester his parents for permission! Bud has some serious fruit salad, a real-deal hero, having received some seventy decorations, the majority for actions in combat, including a Medal of Honor:



Bud Day is now a lawyer and still stirring up controversy with an alleged “racially tinged” comment.

Bud is now 85 years old and he had this insight about Obama’s excessive use of a teleprompter:

“You've got the black one with the reading thing. He can go as fast as the speed of light and has no idea what he's saying”.

Of course, a bunch of Goddamn liberal hippies who are not worthy to shine his shoes are calling for a street named after Col. Day to be re-named . . .

What a load of hippie crap.

Give me a break, he is 85 years old . . .

As far as I’m concerned any Medal of Honor winner can say whatever he wants, he has earned the right. . .

Choose Burleson!

From the Burleson Texas school system.

Yes, always choose Burleson! I like the one about the dyslexia staff . . .

If you lift a calf every day since the day it was born . . .

There is a ranch saying that goes like: “If you lift a calf every day from the day it’s born, you will be able to lift a steer”.

The concept is that, as it grows, so will your strength . . .

It’s ain’t true.

I tried it with a newborn baby pony and it only worked for a few months.



I gave up after he got to 120 pounds, it messed-up my back real good: . . .

The Axis of Weasel

According to Wikipedia (when I last updated it, anyway), the “axis of weasel” refers to the cowards of Europe who want American to die in their stead.

A play on Bush’s “axis of evil”, the axis of weasel includes some European countries:

Vietnamese Snake wine

I love Vietnamese chow, but some of it is too adventurous for me.

The Vietnamese make this nasty fish sauce called Nước chấm or nuoc mam (pronounced “nuke bomb”), where they wrap a dead fish in a newspaper, bury it in their backyard for a few weeks, and then squeeze out the festering decay.


Got Nouc Mam?

The Vietnamese believe that drinking wine soaked in cobra or scorpion corpses increases their sexual potency:

South Map orientation

Most maps show the United States on top, front and center because everyone knows that America is the best country on earth.

However, the natives of Australia like their maps like this, upside down and backwards, just like their citizens.



It’s only a convention that the top is a map points north, but as it’s only a convention that a clok hand moves clockwise . . .


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Hedgehog with bagpipes rides a rooster

Let this be a lesson, a mind is a terrible thing to waste.

Drugs are bad, they make you create things like this:

Tomatoes Poison Dogs

Tomatoes are poisonous to dogs, and it’s funny because they know it!

When Burger King had one dollar whoppers on sale, I would buy a sack for the dogs, and I was amazed at the dogs natural aversion to tomatoes.


Tomatoes are toxic to dogs

These are Rottweiler’s who can eat a whopper in one bite, and they literally shake with excitement!

But instead of wolfing down their whopper, they daintily set it down, remove the top bun, carefully lift off the tomatoes slices, and then devour it in about three nanoseconds.


If you feed your dog a whopper, hold the tomatoes!

But there is no doubt that tomatoes are poisionous to dogs.



Evidently, tomatoes are very poisonous to dogs because they contain oxalates, which trigger nervous system seizures and heart arrhythimia.